Thursday, January 24, 2013

We Quit.

Do you ever have days like that? I do. A lot. Days when I just want to pack everything up and move my kids to some secret land far, far away and just live. No appointments. No uncertainties. No worries. No comparing. No fear that you're doing everything you could possibly do wrong. No interactions with anyone who won't just let us be.

Ok. Let me start over. Let me preface this by explaining... You see, I have this neighbor. This person in my life who I can call anytime and say, "I quit!" A neighbor who will never ask why or encourage me to look at the "brighter" side or tell me to buck up. A neighbor who very simply says, "I flippin' hear ya". She says this to me because she's living my life. She gets it. She's got a husband and a 3 year old and a baby who was born the day after Jayce. A baby who was born different than she had planned. A perfectly gorgeous baby girl who, like Jayce, fights everyday to learn and grow and develop because, like Jayce, it just doesn't come naturally for her. So, when I call her to say, "I quit" she knows what I'm talking about. I'm sure you have someone in your life who gets it. Who it seems has the same life as you. Someone who experiences the same joys and heartaches as you at exactly the same time.

I will admit that I feel guilty to say those words out loud, so I rarely do (except to my neighbor) but sometimes I feel it. I feel it when we're sitting in a waiting room and then suddenly it hits me, "my baby is waiting to see the neurosurgeon... What?!?" It hits me while I watch my baby struggle during physical therapy because he doesn't want to shift his weight and rotate his hips to reach that toy he just wants someone to give it to him dammit. So he whines at me and reaches for me, but I can't scoop him up and run him on out of there because I know these stretches are important for him. It hits me as I'm rushing from speech therapy to pick up Wil from school on time while simultaneously thinking, "this isn't what I had planned when I was pregnant with Jayce. No. I thought he and I would enjoy story time at the library on Tuesdays and Thursdays while Wil was in school and long visits to Target and walks and playtime and secret, snuggle sessions with my little one while my big boy was away". I should also mention that while I'm thinking all of that I'm shaming myself for not working on speech patterns enough with Jayce like I should have since our last therapy session. I'm failing, but how do these people expect me to work on ALL of this stuff... Thank GOD I don't have a job!!! (Although sometimes I think it may do me some good.)

So, sometimes we quit. Ok, maybe it's more ME. Maybe I quit. Maybe all of this catches up with me from time to time and I need to take a moment to say, "wait a minute... this sucks!" Yes. I know it could be so much worse. And yes. Jayce doesn't know any different. But, still. It sucks.

I've said it before, it's not so much the news we hear about Jayce: the hearing loss, the inevitable CP diagnosis, the therapies, the "he may nevers" and the "it may be difficults" and the "we just don't knows". It's the fact that this is it. That this is our life. His life. Forever. I will not lie. I still go to EVERY appointment and therapy session thinking this just might be the day when someone says, "you know what, my golly, he's just perfect and regular and you people never have to come back here again. Ever." And then I leave every single appointment and therapy session reminded that this is our life. Forever. And that no one will ever say those words to us. To him. There will always be appointments and follow-ups and therapies and the possibility of something "more.." looming around every corner.

So. Today I quit, which usually involves a nap with my 3 year old, but not before some venting on this here little blog of mine. Tomorrow is a new day and I'm sure with it will come the inevitable thoughts:  "We can do this... we ARE doing this" (right, Anne?!?:) and "My kid's gonna change the world one Ankle-Foot Orthotic at a time" and "My Wil's gonna be the best, most caring, accepting big-brother-advocate for kids that are 'different' this world has ever seen!" Aaaah, yes. Tomorrow.

Until then... Brother "love" overload!!!
Horrible posers!
Why can't they both just look at the camera and hold still?!?

Note to self: In the future... I vow to make this blog more optimistic. I promise to post splendidly boring information about my family's normal life. Posts about potty training and a baby who is obsessed with buttons on our TV and DVD player. Posts about fighting brothers and temper tantrums and day trips to the zoo and the funny things my toddler says. Yes. Fun things. Normal things.

Here's something... Today Wil fell on one of his trucks. I saw the entire thing go down, but tried not to react so as not to encourage the whole crying, wanting Mommy thing. You know.

Wil falls on big, yellow truck.
Wil: "Owwwwwwww, dammit"
Wil... to Me: "Momma, me durt my balls. Daddy gonna feek out!"

Aaah. The joys! We're still working on swearing. I die.


  1. Little Stef don't beat yourself up for saying "I quit" or "Why so much pain and frustration for such a perfect little child". I will always remember Rebecca's calls and saying it is not fair, or I have had i, enough is enough. and my favorite phrase of hers is Mom you always say that "God only give us as much as we can handle" Well my handle if full and my cup overfloweth. I am so done with the insanity. All I can say is just imagine if Jayce & MaKiah did not have such amazing loving parents just think what they would have to endure. And always remember to "Quit" for the time being and know in your heart that you will pick up and fight the next day, hour and even minute. but you need time for you, the nap with Wil, the Calgon take me away tubby, the walk to the garage to yell, your " I QUIT" time. and that is good gives you a little release for the next hurdle weather it is good or bad.
    Rebecca is going thru the same hurdle now and called me to vent MaKiah's 6 hr surgery only 1/2 worked and the ortho dr is not sure what to do so they do the famous "waiting game" and that is so frustrating as MaKiah is in pain and Rebecca knows that and lives it 24/7 so wants to push the dr but that does not work so she say.."I'm done had enough" and for that short period she is done and she has had enough and that is ok. she has checked out as the Mighty Mom roll and became the cuddle bug mom forgetting all the trials of the day for just that minute, hour or night and sits on the couch and cuddles with anything available to cuddle one of the kids, the dog, or even a blanket and a cup of hot chocolate. and that is OK. So you just "Quit" when you need to and when it is needed you will be the MOM/ADVOCATE that Jayce's and Will need, and Adam will be there for you as well, so remember you can cuddle with Adam and get away in your own little world if only for a minute.
    I think and pray for you all each and every day.
    All our Love Kiddo!
    Auntie Donna and Uncle Tim

  2. I second what Auntie Donna and Uncle Tim said...I was gonna say the same thing. Quit! Cause damn it you need to quit and when you are ready you can get back up and try again. much as I would love a normal blog about typical stuff...I so appreciate your truth and honesty. It helps me understand what you and others are going through. You are so amazing and the smiles on your children's faces say even though some of the yucky stuff is our life...they also sure are having a REALLY GOOD life with you and Adam.
    Love, LF