Friday, December 5, 2014
I had just went back to work, teaching 4K part-time, and I was really enjoying it. I felt like I was able to get out of the house, do something I was passionate about, work with some fabulous women, but still have time to spend with your brothers. So, when I had an inkling that I was expecting, I avoided it. Literally. For nearly two weeks. I just wasn't ready to find out for sure. And then when I did, find out "for sure", I wasn't so sure how to feel about it!
But, for me, there was also fear. This underlying fear of the unknown. What would I do if something was "wrong" with you? That sounds horrible, but it's what I felt. The "what ifs?" were completely terrifying and I wasn't sure I could risk the fact that, at the end of the day, there could be something wrong and there would be nothing I could do... And, if there was something "wrong", how would I manage two children with special needs?
And what was even more terrifying than the idea of having a child with medical fragility, was my fear of myself. My postpartum with Jayce was hard. Like, lasted for over one entire year, HARD. Yes. A lot of it was centered around Jayce's illness and diagnosis and never-ending doctor visits, but it was still there. I ask myself often, "would've the postpartum been as bad if Jayce were healthy?" I'm not sure, but I wasn't ready to risk it. What if I couldn't handle a third child? What if I lost it again?
It was all just too much. So, I visited with my doctor and she began to ease my mind. We did some testing to rule out any medical issues that can be detected early, had 2 ultrasounds (one at 7 weeks and then again at 12 weeks), and we talked... A LOT. We talked about all of the things that I was scared of. And I started to feel better.
Then, after our 12 week ultrasound where I saw you wiggling and stretching with legs and arms and a beating heart, I began to feel joy and happiness and excitement. And that joy was unlike any other when I finally told your biggest brother Wil that you would be coming after he turned five.
Wil has been the only person in this family who has been asking for you. He's been asking for another baby for over a year and the fact that I could tell him his wish was coming true was one of my best days with him thus far. Seeing the excitement in his eyes was beyond what I could express to you. He will love you so, so much. He swears you are a girl baby, by the way! Has said it from day one... I told him we'd find out before Christmas!
You see, I think you were meant to be. You were meant to be ours. You are the final piece to this family puzzle we've created. And, you will be giving ME something back that I didn't get to experience with Jayce. Something I've been longing for. I'll get to experience (God willing) a beautiful delivery, a family suite where people will visit and hug and kiss on you, bringing you home to meet your brothers when you are just days old, late-night feeds (helpfully I'll be able to nurse) and snuggles. I'll be able to watch you grow and learn without fear. I'll take you in and bond with you instantly. I know I will. I have to. This is my chance to experience a new life all over again and I feel so blessed that I have this opportunity. I will not let you (or me) down.
Now, I am almost 20 weeks pregnant. Almost half-way there. I feel you move ALL THE TIME and it's like experiencing it for the first time. Maybe it's because I'm older. Maybe it's because of all that I experienced with Jayce, but whatever it is, I am taking this all in. I'm noticing everything. I'm enjoying watching my body change and grow and I'm loving knowing that you're in there. I don't take it for granted. Not one day.
Please know, that even though you were our surprise, you were completely planned for. I cannot wait to meet you! I pray every day (and have an entire calvary praying right along with me) that everything will be ok. See you soon, little one...
at 8:18 AM